UPDATED BY DEMAND to include all parts! 4/26/09
This is a phenomenal must-read story for anyone who ever partook of :
My Time in Church and in the SO
by Happy Aberree
Hello all, I promised to give you a story so here it is.
I didn't think it would be a very long affair and just wanted to let people know what my background was. But I soon found that once I started writing it down I couldn't stop. It's amazing when you have so much stuff held inside and no one to communicate it to, that once you do start telling it, it just floods out. Anyway, I'll do it in sections because its turned out quite long.
---Everything stated by me here on this site by the way, is of course totally my own opinion and thus could be true, false or neither (or even both).
My first taste of c0$ was in a small org in ANZO in the 80's. I had heard about it from a friend and listened to a Dianetics tape. I was still pretty young and had been looking for something worthwhile to do with my life. So when she said to go into the org, I did. I went through the battery of tests and started on the HQS. I also got a few hours of book one which were pretty far out. The auditor, I think now, thought he was a hypnotist. Or at least he had watched a lot of hypnotists because he definitely had the eyes and the voice for it. So I cured my hay-fever (just like in the tape I listened to) and told everybody about it. It's funny though that I still get hay-fever, but that's beside the point. I definitely wanted it to be true.
Within a few months, I had found out about the AO from some of the staff at the Class V org (they were actually class IV orgs at the time). They had told me that the AO (AOSH ANZO) was awesome and everything there was unreal and the staff there were in uniform. You have to understand that at the ripe old age of 21, I was still very impressionable (I mean more impressionable than I am now). So I checked the AO out. I talked to a staff member there and asked him what the Sea Org was. He told me, 'It just means you're a fully-dedicated Scientologist".
That was enough for me. I was trying to prove myself at something and this was going to be it. But I had some things to handle first (like my job and my mum-- who thought scientology was a health club). I thought it would take me 3-6 months to smooth everything out and save up some money to have in the bank when I joined. I told the SO member, I think it was John Willoughby, and he said something like, "Once you make up your mind to do something, then just do it. If you wait then the bank (sub-conscious) will key-in and you'll never do anything" Needless to say, he wanted me to join on the spot (or at least before Thursday 2pm when the stats ended each week).
I joined three days later (quit my job and family and friends). Looking back now it seems like I threw my life away -- it's a good analogy. Though I have had some great times in the c0$ and met some really cool people, I lost a lot too. The good times, I later realised, were really to do with the good people I met. You never admit that you lose anything when YOU'RE IN. You never admit to yourself that joining may have been a mistake.
--more to come
here's the next installment:
---Everything stated by me here on this site by the way, is of course totally my own opinion and thus could be true, false or neither (or even both).
My stat on tour was Appointments Made (to see the registrar). Now I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, $cn was going to save the planet and I was part of its highest order -- the $ea Org. I commanded respect even though I was still new on post. I had my class A uniform and cap and I was going to change the world. My senior was an awesome reg and 10-year Sea Org veteran. All the staff at the class V org called us 'sir' and looked at us with awe. My senior sat me down and handed me the call-in list and said 'Go to it!'
I picked up the phone, brimming with pride, and called the first number on the list of Clears and OTs in the field. And the guy said, "$cientology? Hey don't fu#king call here again, you got that?"
Whoops, must have been a wrong number.
Next call, "Yeah, yeah, look I told the last guy: I got no money and I'm not coming in. And why can't Rob call me himself?"
I had a list of hundreds of names. I imagined i would fill my boss' day with back-to-back appointments and even have to help reg some of the public myself. I thought that the people would be so happy to hear from a $ea Org member that they would all want to come in straight away and I would have to console them because they would have to wait until tomorrow. We were selling $cientology right? And not only that but the upper levels!
After talking all day to 'clears' and OTs in the field I was utterly spent. I had made about 4 appointments for about 100 calls. The best call I had was a sympathetic OT who tried to explain to me how things really were but she was very careful not to burst my bubble. She took her time and she could see that I was new. Rather than just give me an earful like so many had, she told me that I had to build up my relationships with people. Regging wasn't automatic -- you still had to be a salesman.
It was a small consolation. I couldn't believe how disaffected so many people were. I had to fight every inch on the phone to get every appointment -- and these were OTs. I dreamed of being OT!
Anyway, my stats sucked, and after a few tours they didn't improve very much. I also noticed that the staff at the class V orgs didn't look at me in awe -- I noticed they could see that I was green. The initial aura of the $ea Org was wearing off.
Later I found out that many people you call in the field are actually ex-$ea Org members. Many of the public at the AO were too. Maybe that had something to do with it; maybe not.
Over the years I got much better at call-in and regging too. And I had my fair share of face-rips for downstats (face-rip = when a senior removes the skin from your face through yelling alone). Compared to the guys and gals I've read about in higher management orgs though, my time in the SO was a walk in the park and it's not the main point of my story.
One of the last incidents I remember was getting back to the AO one day and the whole reception area was covered in petrol. Some guy had come in looking for his son weilding a knife and a can of petrol (which he proceeded to empty all over the place and then pull a lighter out of his pocket). He sliced the ethics officer's nose open before he got subdued by the crew. It was really far out. The police had already arrived by the time I got there. Still, it didn't sit easy in my mind -- people popping up and doing stuff like that in a church.
I eventually routed out -- I wasn't going anywhere in the SO, and seriously wasn't cut out for the strict discipline in that place. And back then, the discipline was far less than today. For example, out 2-D was fairly common in the ranks in those days (out 2-D means out-second dynamic and in the SO refers to sexual relations without being married).
It still wasn't 'okay' but you didn't go to the RPF or get off-loaded for it like now. And if you were a supervisor or auditor (or other key post) you wouldn't be in ethics for more than a day. Some of the repeat offenders back then got through ethics in one afternoon. From what I've seen nowadays out 2-D is like you beat up the Captain or something (although there were a few fights back then).
I had a small to average sized freeloader which I paid off after a year or two and pretty soon I was on service lines and working in Sydney (the city not the org). Now I'm going to explain what I saw over the next few years that led me onto The Bridge To Total Flee-dom -- rather than the details so much. For one thing my anonymity is quite comforting and the main point of my story is to help anyone who is right on that edge of wondering about the possibility of not being in $cn anymore.
-- more soon
The Bridge to Total Flee-dom
Here's the next installment:
--Everything stated by me here on this site by the way, is of course totally my own opinion and thus could be true, false or neither (or even both).
THE BRIDGE TO TOTAL FLEE-DOM
The first thing I noticed in the orgs that got me thinking questioning thoughts was the Golden Age of Tech (aka training in memory and not competence). Everything I had learned about tech revolved a lot around good communication yet the GAT seemed to short circuit that. Also they weren't written by anybody (or at least they weren't signed) so no one was responsible for them. Seeing Ron's name signed on every single piece of tech or policy was taken for granted and the GAT references were very unsettling in that respect.
Another thing that I thought was quite callous was that so many auditors who were great auditors but getting on in years had to re-do their entire training (and many of them couldn't) in order to retain their certs. So fabulous auditors and c/ses like Maureen and Dot ended up working in treasury or other non-tech divisions. Not to mention the public who had to re-train and pay for it.
I brought it up casually with a staff member and later more seriously with a supervisor. They basically just parroted some Int mgmt patter-response back at me expecting me to just suddenly realise that, no way could GAT be any sort of out-KSW (KSW#1 is a policy referring to keeping the tech of $cn totally standard i.e. unchanged). I was definitely doubting the staff in local orgs and especially the internal management that were overseeing this questionable GAT evolution. Without realising it, I had taken my very first step on The Bridge to Total Flee-dom.
I had done the DIM RD (Doubt Internal Management Rundown).
I was pretty indignant over the whole thing because the thought occurred to me that it was not LRH and people weren't even in an uproar -- they were happy about it.
At this stage I was hardly thinking of giving up on $cn but I was somewhat disaffected with the inconsistency between policy and what actually happened in orgs. I do remember a friend telling me that the highest number of tech trained staff had routed out of orgs in the history of $cn immediately following the GAT evolution. This only fueled my disaffection. It seemed that the smarter staff had left. The staff that stayed on in orgs seemed to be idiots. They would just do whatever their senior or management told them to do and their senior would do likewise.
Because I had been on staff myself I knew what boat they were in and how much sheer pressure can be brought to bear on you as a staff member -- even the execs get it from their higher org seniors. Even though I knew what they were going through I decided from then on to no longer take what staff said as gospel. That was my next step on the Flee-dom Bridge:
The DIS RD (Doubt Idiot Staff Rundown)
Though I was becoming more disaffected with the org staff, it indirectly increased my admiration of Ron. I would defend his legacy even though idiot-staff couldn't see what was happening.
The next thing that happened was purely by accident. I was getting quite interested and awed with Hubbard and his achievements and had collected most of the 'Ron' booklets (Ron the blah, etc). I tried piecing together a timeline to make up a kind of biography but I found there were a few gaps in his history. I remember getting quite anxious about finding out, so I innocently went on the internet and googled his name. Holy Messiah!
Now understand here that I viewed this man as the saviour of the planet and arguably the greatest man that ever lived. He did in his lifetime what 5 great men combined would be proud to have done. I was expecting to find all these independent sources praising him just like the c0$ did but for new stuff that I hadn't heard about. I read about his educational history; I read about his son, Quentin; I read about his personal comments on various things; and I read about his war history. In comparison to what I have since learned, it was only a fraction of the information out there on Ron, but it was too much for me.
I didn't feel well. In fact I felt quite ill for about 3 days. I couldn't believe the lengths people would go to to spread lies about a truly great man. And even though I justified it off, I was definitely having more questions. I mentioned it to a $cn friend at the time and she helped me re-focus. But I still didn't doubt $cn in any way.
Here's the next bit:
--Everything stated by me here on this site by the way, is of course totally my own opinion and thus could be true, false or neither (or even both).
I had not been going to events around this time and when I got the usual 20 calls, for some reason I decided to go. There were the same people as the last time plus a few new faces (about 5) and I got seated next to someone I knew. I noticed one thing was different: there was a small group of SO members in the front rows and every time the audience on the video applauded, the SO members would give a standing ovation which of course would get the rest of the 'real' audience joining in. I still remember the aghast looks when I didn't stand up.
I took this rather personally. A standing ovation was an audience-origination as far as I was concerned and it was also usually reserved for applauding Ron. I thought that if you used it for everything then it degraded the standing ovation for the old man -- like selling 10 dianetics books in Fiji was as important as Ron? I don't think so. So I endured the looks for the rest of the night. I didn't even like events anyway -- the idea of clapping to a friggin' video screen was ridiculous! We were clapping a video!!! And now we were being prompted to do it!
And that voice-over!! it was like an infomercial.
Events were the next thing that got me to thinking. Over the last few years there had definitely been a prevalence of events. And each one seemed to have a new release -- a CD about something or a Passport to map your bridge progress, some new previously undiscovered chapter in a book, or a revised edition with the correct sequence of chapters. How could it take thirty years to find a chapter in a book that was supposed to be treated like the Bible is in Christianity?
And there were more events now. There were regular IAS events and there were Maiden Voyage events. Knowing from my years on crew about the purpose of events (basically to reg people) I started to wonder, 'Was the church now using events as a primary source of GI?' and if so, why?
I would rate things by how many calls I got as to their importance within the church. Out of thirty phone calls roughly 20 would be for the next event (or to come to the org and watch the VIDEO of the VIDEO EVENT...I can't wait), 5 or 6 calls would be for donations to IAS or similar and the remaining 4 or 5 calls would be about going up the bridge. Big shift in importance there. On went my mental notes. So events were definitely important now.
This was the next step that I took on the Bridge to Total Flee-dom. I was doubting org events and it was getting me thinking about more questions. Not all was as it should be. Events were being given priority importance over moving up the bridge (the $cn bridge).
I had very soon done the DOE RD (Doubt Org Events Rundown) -- can also be pronounced: Doh! (like Homer)
Around this time, I noticed what can only be described as a 'charity-fest'. Suddenly I and others were getting more calls for IAS donations. I noticed that CCHR, Athena School and ABLE were jumping on too. All these $cn units seemed to now need donations from public to do their job. Or, now they were planning projects that required large donations from the public. Cannibalising was nothing new to me (this refers to over-regging of a stagnant or non-expanding field i.e. repeat regging the same people) and I had seen it done for years in ANZO but at least before it was for services!
This was amazing -- not only could you just reg whatever amount of money you wanted, there was now no product. You see before, the heavy regging was for auditing/training and when a person went through that reg cycle and paid the money, the org then had the responsibility (in order to complete the entire cycle) of SERVICING HIM. But this new charity regging didn't need that -- the product was the money! I'm not saying that regging for auditing stopped, but it just got less important, like you could be an active $cn'ist just by contributing money (rather than moving on the bridge).
here are the next comedy of errors:
--Everything stated by me here on this site is of course totally my own opinion and thus could be true, false or neither (or chocolate biscuits).
Okay so charity donations were in fashion big-time.
Even the AO was getting donations to help people join the SO (you would get asked to put weekly or monthly contributions to pay a person's bills so that they could join NOW). It was amazing. I couldn't help but think that for an organisation that was in possession of the only technology that could produce miracles to do 'fundraising' of any sort was ludicrous. And I was seeing less and less miracles.
Even the idea that the orgs were not all booming and bustling hives of activity was remarkable. Actually at that time Syd org was I think around 40 staff on Fdn and less on Day which was far smaller than it had been in the late 80s early 90s. Melbourne and Brisbane were about the same and Canberra was Canberra. It didn't matter. Even if they were slightly bigger than they had been, they should have been huge! How can you have all the answers to human nature and all the answers on how to administer its facilitation into society and yet not succeed at a stupidly-stellar level? And now it was charities. More food for thought.
It was around '03 or '04 that a friend of mine said that he had just come back from the AO -- and he was livid. Now this guy had been Clear for as long as I'd known him and he was a genuinely logical person. But he told me that he apparently wasn't Clear anymore. What made it worse was how he found out: in an un-metered interview with the D of P that took about 5 mins. Within a few weeks I discovered a few more friends who had been given the same r-factor (story) and learned from one staff member that it was a world-wide thing. Apparently there was no past-life clear thing anymore and practically all Clears were being told the same thing (not clear, sorry about that).
This was really getting me thinking. The first thought that popped into my head was the Y2K bug and although the computer company involved did furnish everyone worldwide with updated software and saved a potential worldwide cataclysm, they must have made a megaton of money out of it. Brilliant from a marketing point of view.
I was noticing how many of the big 'advances' made in the c0$ worldwide were continually resulting in public having to invest further dollars into their religion. Each big advance seemed to produce a very high-necessity to do some next level, review, donation, repair, etc. In other words, if there was any really big news coming out -- YOU'RE GONNA PAY BIG!
I also remember being told about a tech bulletin that discussed the point of invalidation of the state of Clear, and how to do so was highly suppressive (I haven't read it so technically this is verbal tech -- unlike everything else in this story). But I thought, 'What did that make the person or people who just originated this world-wide 're-call' of Clears?'
I saw people I had known for years who were devastated in one fell interview. They got hit so hard it was like a flash flood and they watched as the house that they had spent years to build took off down the street. I wasn't a happy camper. I was definitely doubting the management of the technology but now also the source of its application. Where was this coming from?
For me this was the DTs RD (Doubt Technology Source Rundown) note: I have also done the delirium tremens Rundown which is also called the DTs RD but is not relevant to this story. Thank you.
A major step toward flee-dom for me was when the Ideal Org Pgm came out. Now based on the phone calls I got, this thing was 5 times as important as any event or other donations. In fact the IAS seemed to totally disappear shortly after the onset of this pgm. I don't mean they closed down, I just mean they were knocked down on the regging pecking order. I remember you could say that you were being regged for the ideal org and any other reg would leave you alone.
So my first experience face to face with an Ideal Org pgm reg had me asking many questions.
You see the way I figured it, if most of the phone calls I was getting, were about the ideal org then you would expect a rather large amount of policy to be written on this activity. You know green-on-white telling you to go and buy new buildings and then build the organisation up later. How about 1 policy? How about none? At least I couldn't find one. And I will stand to be corrected on this but I'm not holding my breath. The policies referred to by the regges for this pgm have nothing whatsoever to do with buying real estate. It doesn't matter what the next 50 steps are going to be after you buy the building. Step one is off.
I had never seen a more ridiculous action done in my history in $cn.
It would be like an accountant working for himself for 20 years without getting anywhere, suddenly saying, 'Before I can expand my business the first thing I need to do is spend $500,000 to buy a new office and equipment (he already has an office and equipment by the way), and I don't have the money so I'll get it donated from my regular customers'. Now that might be a slight exaggeration but not by much. And if that isn't nutty enough, to complete the analogy HIS CUSTOMERS WOULD ACTUALLY GIVE HIM THE MONEY!
So I asked questions about 'show me the reference' and 'why can't the org afford it themselves' and 'you've got to be kidding' but I didn't get many answers. I did notice though that on the reg's project orders, some of the references were real estate books -- great. The actual $cn references listed (org pgm #1 and Ideal Org P/L) have nothing whatsoever to do with buying buildings. The most common reaction to my queries was an utter surprise that I was not jumping at the chance to save my org. This reg firmly believed that this pgm was the ONLY thing that would save the org.
Okay... back into it!
--Everything I write here on this site is totally my own opinion and thus could be true, false or neither (or chocolate biscuits).
That whole ideal org pgm thing was just a global 'why' (which is an impossibility) that has been forced on orgs planet-wide. One of the main problems I saw with upper management is that they would continually come up with these massive 'whys' (if you are not policy-savvy, a 'why' is the greatest departure from the ideal scene, in other words its the thing that will sort out the situation e.g. staff aren't trained, or no salesman on post, not enough promo, manager is serial killer, etc).
They would come up with these and then order their compliance planet wide; so whether you were Milan or Canberra you had to comply. But what it says is that the solution for Milan org is the same as the solution for Canberra org, and that's just rubbish. Anyone who has actually done a 'why find' in an org or department will know that it is very specific to that situation. There could be a Day and Fdn org in the same building and they could easily have two different whys respectively. And to order 6 staff to be sent up-lines for training on a GAT evolution from an org like Canberra (which often didn't even have 6 staff!) is just blind stupidity.
Anyway, I was now doubting upper management and had completed the DUM RD (Doubt Upper Management Rundown). I had taken my next step on the Bridge to Total Flee-dom.
After making such gains I couldn't believe that the next step would present itself so soon, but of course, it did. The BASICS; and it's a big one.
Now from what I remember of the event, there were gross errors that existed on the part of the publishers in the form of grammatical, formatting, missing chapters/sections, included chapters/sections, incorrect type-sizes (or something like that). And these errors had now finally been rectified through 9 gazillion hours of work.
Now I have to willfully control myself here so as to not just start spewing forth profanities willy-nilly.
So, calmly now, I am expected to believe that Ron wrote these basics over the course of a 10-15 year period and then 35 or so years after writing book one, he died. And these basics (the books anyway) are said to comprise the entire technology of $cn. I remember reading a policy that said that if you really understood the basic books and had full certainty on them, you could work the rest out yourself; they were that powerful (more verbal tech).
Now these books contained GROSS errors that actually changed their meaning or the resultant understanding of them. And in all that time, Ron didn't notice that? Even if he was continually going from org to org non-stop working on expanding each area (not saying that he was), wouldn't it be more important to correct errors in the basic books of $cn? And if he was in the orgs and the basic books were so far out, you would expect major tech problems in those orgs -- which he would have surely seen.
Another thing I noticed at the event was that all this blame (there was about a ton of it) got put onto the old publishing companies or old staff who were distributing the books in the 60s. Which meant that very fortunately (funny that), absolutely no blame got put on current management. This is a habitual thing it seems:
1. Make a product and sell it; 2. Revise the product and re-sell it; 3. Improve the product and re-sell it.
Now this in itself is not foreign as a business concept or strategy. And it's hardly objectionable, as long as their is NO MONOPOLY ON THE PRODUCT. You have a product that you buy and a few years later, a better one comes out. If you want the better one, you get it.
Also if you're not happy you can always get a different product from a competitor. But within $cn it's more accurately this:
1. Make a product that is perfect; 1a. Sell it as the perfect product; 2. Discover imperfections; 2a. Make the product really perfect; 3. Sell it as the Really Perfect product; 4. Repeat ad infinitum.
And there is actually no competitor to buy from. The competitors are all SPs! Take a look: you want a different angle on mental health? Too bad because psychiatry is suppressive. What about another angle on the truth? Well that's out too because the media is suppressive. Different perspective on sorting out my illness? Maybe, but all drugs and drug companies are suppressive so not a good idea (and maybe the medical profession is suppressive too unless the doctor is a $cn). Surely I can get another opinion on management? You could if government wasn't so suppressive.
The real-world authorities (which are the ones who might question things within their spheres) are all viewed as enemies -- and you don't communicate to enemies. And you definitely don't believe what enemies tell you.
--which means you never find out that your group could be the enemy...
I was noticing some 'glaring out-points' and things were heating up. I was finally about to be 'fleed'.
Hey everyone thanks very much and here is the next installment,
everything here I write is my opinion bla bla maybe true or not or ham sandwhhiches..
Back to the BASICS...
The whole 'close' in the sales pitch is that these services, books or whatever, are THE TECH. They are perfect. Doing them will give you all the answers about that subject and so on. That's the main reason you buy. From what I had read about tech, $cn correctly applied is miraculous. Anything short of that is not (and is not $cn). So what were all the books that people bought over all those years, if there were these errors in them? Were they $cn? If they weren't, was that fair exchange?
And what about the money that people paid for them? The money had no errors in it; the $40 that Larry paid for FOT worked fine at banks and shops. None of it was later found to be counterfeit or malfunctioning. There are actually still people today using that money very successfully and it works fine. Yet little Larry finds now that not only does he have to pay $65 for the new edition, but that his old edition is 100% obsolete. As are all of his 12 other old editions, which are no good. He may as well throw them away -- they are no longer tech. Now how many thousands of 'Larry' are there?
So in essence the poor public pays again. Public pays for the expansion of $cn and the public pays for the contraction of $cn.
Actually regardless of the event -- the public seems to pay. $cn gets highest ever stats: public pays for new CD release. $cn gets attacked in Germany: public pays for IAS donations to fight Deutsch Suppressives. $cn crushes the psyches: public pays to get the psych-buster booklet (plus 50 more copies to hand out). $cn lifts arbitraries: public pays to re-do their bridge (without arbitraries). $cn gives bad auditing or incorrect c/s: public pays to get it fixed. I know that these are VERY general statements -- and if I wasn't so suppressive I would be a bit worried.
As a DUM RD completion I could see that the basics were just another money-spinner.
And this had been done extensively with courses too. It was a bit of a joke around the time when you asked someone if they had done the pts/sp course and they would say, 'Which one?' because there had been so many re-issues.
So I now doubted the basic books and lectures and thus took a huge step on the Bridge to Total Flee-dom by completing my DABBL RD (Doubt All Basic Books and Lectures RD).
Now well on my way to flee-dom, I found my first encounter with this site (and other internet sites). I had been told by various friends that several prominent and veteran $cn'ists had left the church and were now ranting all over the internet. I couldn't believe it. A couple of them (who I see are here regularly) I even knew or had met. There was also an ex-SO member who was on crew when I was, who apparently was raising all hell and giving out every conceivable detail about INT and RTC as he had been crew at both those orgs after he transferred from ANZO.
This was a big surprise. It was one thing for the media and psychiatry to gang up on the church -- they were suppressive groups anyway. But for $cns who had been around for years, EDs and Execs, SO members, big-time contributors, all to go (and not go quietly). How could they be suppressive? Some of these guys and gals had sweat blood for their church and given the major part of their lives to its cause. It didn't make sense and got me thinking further. I knew I was getting closer to the top of the bridge to flee-dom but in order to get there, I would have to do the next big step.
I promptly regged myself for the A-SCN RD (Anti-Scientology on the Net Rundown) and started the process.
Now you must understand that if you have not done the DUM RD and the DABBL RD then the A-SCN RD will not work on you. It just wont. Anybody who is not DUM and a DABBL will still have mechanisms in place that stop the person looking at information and cause him to justify ANYTHING he sees using $cn reasoning.
So I looked at a few sites and some u-tube stuff and I found it hard going. I wasn't getting through at the expected pace and I was definitely getting confused with the various information and views. Some of it sounded plausible but it could still have been made up. The entire thing could still (just possibly) be a huge conspiracy contrived by evil sps to attack the only true technology on spiritual happiness.
The last time I had done this, I had gotten horribly ill for days. I was determined not to fail but it was so hard to know the truth from the lies.
Was I going to get through? I really wasn't sure.
Okay here we go, nearly there guys please bear with me a little longer (everything I state here is opinion ie maybe true/false/cheeseburgers),
I had started the A-SCN RD and was stalling. Compared to what I know now, I had still looked at only a few sites/sources on the internet, and I still wasn't sure.
This is where I first found the ESMB and looked at the forums.
I had been curious about some ex-$cns that I had heard about from Sydney. I had known them to some degree when they were still on lines and contributing. After googling several versions of ex-$cn Sydney/Australia a post caught my eye.
I checked it out avidly read through and became more and more aghast as this lovely lady explained one of the last torments she had endured in the church. After a couple of installments I froze, "I know this person!" It was Carmel (Hi Carmel!) and I was totally amazed. As I read on I realised that I also knew this story!!! But the version i had heard was very abbreviated and had about 1% of the details that she had actually endured in her '9-levels-of-hell-inquisition'.
I couldn't believe this -- here I was worried about what might happen to me if I looked at certain things anti- to $cn, when this lady had gone 15 rounds with the Soul-Crushers -- and survived!!
The concept: "Fu*ck It!" appeared very clearly in my mind. I was calm. I was relaxed. Everything was moving really slow (like molasses in the winter time). And then I got really pissed. "You sonsofbitches. You snakes!! Not even snakes -- you eels in snakes clothing!!!
"F*ck you, I'm finishing my goddamn rundown!!" I promised. I had to quickly check with my c/s (that was actually me at the time) and it was green-light all the way.
I ran through a couple more posts.
"Yeah, you got that right!"
"Too right, mate!!"
"That's the goddamn truth!"
Then I found Feral's story and this was another big one for me, because I had known him also. I read his story. Holy Molasses! I had known him back when I was I on crew and knew of his contributions to a degree. For him to go through that and explain it as he did was amazing. Both these stories clinched it for me and I understood why.
These guys and gals -- I knew. They weren't an angry mob of SPs all spewing vitriol at anyone who approached. They were hard-core motherfu*kers who had paid sweat and blood for their church, their team. They had played hard for years at this game. They had taken hits that would petrify most people. They had fought and fought the enemy and not given in.
And their reward had been a big, shiny, glowing "FUCK YOU!" from the sponsors.
I carried on surfing the forums as the data sunk in. I was coming down off a high. The high of completing the A-SCN Rundown. Relief was just washing over me. Even if this wasn't the top of the bridge to total fleedom I certainly felt fleed.
--more soon, and thanks everybody for all your support!
Cantsay, one point I wanted to make, and its related to the whole stats thing -- STATS are priority #1 -- when I was in the SO. I didn't realise it until I was a public. Working in with stats and conditions formulas, is Successful Actions, but this is generally looked at in a very short-sighted way by (IMO) most staff. Whatever gets the stats up was the successful action. That's why SO and staff members stay up till 3 in the morning (because last week it got the stats up). But its not looking at any long-term effects (like uh... there's only so many hours in the day)
So yeah, if something made money then, it will make money again -- even if it was an absolute cock-up. If the public bought it, it was successful. And after years of VERY GRADUAL indoctrination you go from:
a normal person hesitating to spend $30 on a book....
to a person who will pay $10,000 for repair auditing to fix $5,000 of bad auditing.
Before the basics evolution, individual books were being revised on a far lower gradient (new covers, extra lost chapter, hard cover, etc). And people bought it. "I have the book but I will buy the new one because they said it was better" These individual book releases paved the way for the Basics Evolution -- ALL BOOKS. And from memory the books that LRH listed as the basics were not all the books that they have now as the basics (I may be wrong there but don't think so)
Same goes for services:
Person is sold the idea that 'Clear handles all psychosomatic ills'; goes Clear but still ill; gets sold the idea of Non Interference zone will screw you up; goes OTIII; still gets sick; sold idea that OTV handles heavier somatics; goes OTV still sick; sold idea new release of pts/sp course (with never-before-seen-refs etc); ad infinitum. As long as the public is buying it, the c0$ keeps spinning it. There's always something else.
Okay, friends I think this about it,
Okay (everything I say here is my opinion i.e. could be true/false/cheesburgers/rock'n'roll)
Firstly, a small technical aside to refresh your memories:
FLEEDOM BRIDGE (so far)
LEVEL--- COST--- ABILITY GAINED
DIM RD--- (free)--- can hold your integrity vs local org strategies
DIS RD--- (free)--- can treat org staff like anyone else
DOE RD--- (free)--- can differentiate between reality and video
DUM RD--- (free)--- is able to neutralise altitude (altitude of post or rank etc)
DABBL RD--- (free)--- can recognise and evaluate data for yourself
A-SCN RD--- ($9)--- can take it or leave it ($9 is the price of 2 cheesburgers to snack on while on the net. NB. prices for this level may vary)
TBA -- TBA
[you should note that the Bridge to Total Flee-dom has the first rundowns at the top of the page and the last rundowns at the bottom unlike the $cn grade-chart which goes the other way. There are two reasons for this: firstly the flee-dom bridge is intrinsically the opposite of the $cn one and secondly it brings you DOWN....to earth. You have to do that before you can move up for real and get on with your life]
I was feeling truly relaxed and fleed. I was still surfing around on the net and checking stories from ex-SO members from up-lines and some shocking ones were posted by these guys.
A thought occurred to me about the first time I googled $cn on the internet all those years ago and how bad I felt afterwards. I was back now and running with it with no trouble. But something was bugging me and there was still more I needed to confront.
Even though I was lurking on ESMB you should know I still hadn't registered anywhere or posted anything. Actually the thought of that still made me shudder. And so I hadn't actually contacted anyone on the site. My only contact with someone who was "out" -- was a long-time friend I had who was overseas and the whole time that we were in $cn we had known each other and gotten on very well. He was actually a contributing factor to me getting onto the start of the Fleedom Bridge and doing those lower rundowns that cut the path to the A-SCN RD. He was smart with it too -- he didn't just rave on about crazy cult stuff. He mainly just got me to ask questions.
Something was still bugging me so I checked with my c/s. When I got the r-factor back (from me), I was very happy. There was another step and possibly the final step on the Bridge to Total Fleedom. This step I was told, would set me up perfectly for my future. It was actually a ground-breaking discovery and I was honoured to be one of the first ones out of me to do the rundown. What was it?
The KR RD!!! (Know Ron Rundown)
Strangely enough I had touched on this way back when I was trying to find biographical data on Ron and didn't even realise that it was a step on the flee-dom bridge. In a way I was happy that I didn't continue with it back then; without being DOE, DIS, DIM, DUM or DABBL who knows what would have happened, right? Probably would have fried my head off.
So I regged myself and found that as a founding member of me I qualified for a huge discount. It worked out costing me about... NOTHING!!! So I could get started straight away. This I have found is the major rundown and what I found on the internet about Ron has basically made me totally certain that I will flee.
Now you may think that I immediately concluded that Ron was a maniac and that means everything he ever said or wrote was absolute garbage. Not necessarily. Though I no longer viewed him as I had before.
I did not suddenly hate him or think that he was a monster or that sort of thing; it was far more subtle than that. I simply realised while doing this step that as a $cn'ist, I actually believed in Ron first. You see the tech all comes from him. And then I realised that $cn IS RON. In order to truly doubt the church you have to truly doubt its founder. Until you can question the founder -- and break the link between him and the church --that very last mechanism will stay in place and keep you seeing things through only $cn eyes. 'What would Ron do?' and that sort of thing.
I know there will be different viewpoints on this and I believe there must be. But for me, the instant that I considered that Ron was source was the exact same instant that I became a $cn. That's the instant I stopped looking at anything else. And the early indoctrination in the church is doing everything it can to nurture that belief. That is the making (or breaking) of a $cientologist. And all that happened on this rundown was I simply changed Ron from "source" to "a possible source".
My admiration of a person is based more on his achievements than on his irregularities. It doesn't matter that a rock-star has a different sexual orientation to me if he produces great music. The fact that Sherlock Holmes was an opium addict does not dull my admiration of his powers of deduction. Ron still did what he did, and as a friend recently pointed out: he was still primarily responsible for putting all these people together. Not a small thing. But like any person, he was flawed and the biggest insult from the c0$ is that they expect you to believe that he was not.
Now this an ongoing rundown. Unlike many here, I did not get to OT. I did not do up-lines management training. So I did not have experience of the entire green vols or the larger part of the bridge. But I can still work with what I do know. And it just means that I will know to test things for myself and to continue learning what I want to learn.
This could easily be the final step on the flee-dom bridge. And I think it becomes a personal thing from here. I reckon if you got to this point, then the only rundowns you would do after this would truly be your own rundowns. And because everyone here has such different histories, qualifications, case levels etc it wouldn't be necessary to describe the rundown that I am currently on (apart from: "it's great!").
I can sort of say it with a couple of lines out of a movie. These are two kids talking on a hill.
Chuckie: "I know what I want."
Fresh: "Yeah I know what you mean--I have this dream."
Chuckie: "Like what?"
Fresh: "Oh, nothing. I just have it that's all."
And that's how I feel -- my dreams and hopes and passions are my own, without needing to align with any other doctrine or discipline or person unless I want them to.
And so the KR RD is the final step on The Bridge to Total Flee-dom:
LEVEL--- COST--- ABILITY GAINED
KR RD--- (free)--- knows who is, was, and always shall be SOURCE (hint: do you have a mirror?)
I would like to truly thank everyone here and for all the support I've gotten from the people on this site, and especially to those who have made this site possible. It's been a blast sharing this -- writing a KR to the org just doesn't quite cut it.
I would still like to continue the story started here but probably on another thread to give $cns doubting the church some much needed help, support and perspective for their own hard journey to come.
Last thing -- if you haven't read Carmel's story and Feral's story, read them now. They'll knock you for six. There are other stories that I'm finding now here and it is all confirming what I now know to be true.
If I had any advice to give to a $cientologist who is not happy and is looking on this site, it would be: First, keep looking -- if we are all SPs and you know that, you should be sweet. Second, ask yourself: Of everything you know of $cn -- if all that were true of some OTHER group -- would you feel the same way about THAT group as you feel about $cn?
Thanks again everybody!
Cheesburgers all round
"LOOK! And ye shall know"
There are many many comments to these posts, which should all be read as well. This one in particular, gives Happy Abberee an opportunity to expound off of a suggestion, lol:
2nd March 2009, 04:45 PM
Originally Posted by degraded being
One bit that "jumped out" at me near the end was this:
-snip- KR RD--- (free)--- knows who is, was, and always shall be SOURCE (hint: do you have a mirror?).
Without wanting to interfere with your creativity, it got me thinking that the "grade chart to Fleedom" could have on it somewhere; "Knows who he was and knows he never wants to be anyfuckingwhere near there again" as one of the "EP's
Cheers DB. I think that EP you mentioned is a very close second EP of the KR rundown but because the rundown is available to anybody (including little chilluns) it is not stated on the Flee-dom Bridge due to the profanity-content (though I will check with the publisher as I don't think "anyfuckingwhere" is officially a swear-word). lol [..]
OK, so there you have one person's experience in Scientology and it's Sea Organization which will be appreciaed by thousands!
Check out the whole thread with commentsMy story from inside Scientology by Happy Aberree